I think im going to throw up on grandma
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
