someone get that fucking seahorse.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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