She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
