hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
