Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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