we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
ttyl tear gas
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
