There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
