Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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