people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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