If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
