I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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