if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
