Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Randomize
