exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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