I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Randomize
