Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
