We need to rekindle our bromance
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
