I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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