I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Are we still banned from the library?
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
