Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize
