You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
