but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
