I want to have your abortion
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
