Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize