phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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