I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
