mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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