If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
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