I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
