here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
