my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
There's always time for handjobs
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
