youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
