apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
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