living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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