Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
