I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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