You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize