you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize