just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
