Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
