pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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