he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Randomize
