Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I wish my penis had an off switch
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Randomize
