Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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