You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
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