Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
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