3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Her eyes are really red like she jus got out of the hospital and shes coughing ...80 ppl at her school do have swine flu dude
So your saying just a blow job?
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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