I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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