you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Randomize
