My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
