drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
