I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
