"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Ladies don't puke and tell
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I had to cum in my sink.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
