Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
