awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Randomize
