i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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